his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
