just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
A+ Viking dick
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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