I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
