You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
