Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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