haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Still dying that you shit outside
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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