Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
