dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
