Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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