I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
