Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
