just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
