Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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