K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
