I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
