True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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