Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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