either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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