I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
