I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
