mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
