I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
