Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
