Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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