When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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