Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
