I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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