She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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