Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
