speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
