Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
