I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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