dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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