i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
