I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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