He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
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I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
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I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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