I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
