I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
