it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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