This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
