a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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