I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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