I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
