ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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