Only a mothe r could love this liver
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
