i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
