Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
