In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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