You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
