I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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