How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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