Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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