So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
