I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
