You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
