i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
