theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
